Modus Operandi

I thought to give you a call today

but once again the weight of the world managed to get in the way.

Same M.O. as before;

me breaking my back trying to help others once more.

Only thing different is the time and date.

I never met a problem in life I couldn’t equate.

But now I’m tired of handling everyone’s issues but my own,

which is why I thought of you when I picked up the phone.

We hadn’t talked in quite awhile,

And I knew you of all people could make me smile.

By the time I got around to trying again,

A family member called saying your life had come to an end.

But how could this be? So much was still left unsaid.

As he continued to speak, our last moments played back in my head.

So glad I decided to come see you on your birthday,

Who would’ve ever thought you wouldn’t be with us present day?

A meaningless text, our last communication.

Now the topic of conversation is your impending cremation.

I thought to give you a call today but today was much too late.

If I had it all to do again, I promise you, I wouldn’t hesitate.

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Description

November 9th of 2014 my nephew, Khamani, was born. From the moment I first held him in my arms, I feared for him for the black man that he would one day become. And this is by no means saying I think he won’t be great. For that, he is destined. But even on his best day, someone, somewhere will find a problem with who he is at his core; a black man. That frightens me. This book is my attempt at shedding light on many of those fears in the hopes of opening those lines of communication. It is never too soon to speak up or out about social injustice and inequality. This is my stand.

I’m Ready

Love don’t live here anymore,

Not even love for self.

Thought I’d written the book in younger years; that same book now collecting dust on a shelf.

I knew of love; how to give and receive, but those days have long passed.

Now shadows of doubt, self-consciousness and fear have unwittingly been cast.

I long for the days it came easy; the way it consumed my soul.

The days that it embraced me; the days it made me whole.

I long for the peace of mind in knowing that everything would be fine.

The days you held me in your arms; The moment our hearts aligned.

But love don’t live here anymore. Of it I’ve made a mockery.

I somehow convinced it to trust me with it’s lock, then purposely broke off the key.

Love, if you’re listening, I’m sorry. I never meant for us to fall apart.

Love, I’m begging you to forgive me, so that we may have a fresh start.

If we cross paths again I’ll be open, to listen to your every word.

I’ll hinge on every syllable, as if a new language I’ve recently heard.

I owe you so much more than that, but it’s a start nonetheless.

For I am the one, from start to finish, that got us into this mess.

Love don’t live here anymore, though my walls are starting to crumble.

In hopes that love and I are one day reacquainted; remembering always to stay gracious and humble.

Love may not live here now, but that won’t always be the case.

For in our time apart, I’ve still been coveting a special place.

Love, if you’ll have me, I’m yours, to do with whatever you please.

The first time I may not have been ready but now my head knows what my heart sees.

G.D.M.

My daddy is a white woman. I’ll write the book someday.

Right now I am simply numb, from news that this morning she passed away.

She had just flown back home the day before.

Now I’m left with the realization I’ll not see her anymore.

She had just turned 60. We celebrated in June.

She can’t be gone forever. Today is much too soon.

Daddy, if you’re listening I love you. You’ll not soon fade from my memory.

Deep down I know that this was your will, to be surrounded by friends and family.

Trae

Perhaps I missed the opportunity to call you mine…

Because I was sitting on thick thighs and you were just too damn fine.

Above my caliber, or out of my league I was quick to say.

But you took the time to get to know me anyway.

Though that should have been enough for me to give you a chance;

I couldn’t help but think, onto the next girl you’d glance.

When I should have enjoyed you, I questioned you instead.

“How is he interested in me?” always running through my head.

So I kept you at bay, though you continued to try.

Fear of rejection wouldn’t allow me to call you my guy.

I’d claim it was bad timing or you were moving too fast.

When truth be told, I’ve been tainted by my past.

Past relationships, past regrets, all led me to this place.

Of not ever truly being comforted by the warmth of your embrace.

My mother likes you. My daughter too… but I still make you plead your case,

Of why I should let my guard down and allow you into my sacred place.

I loath my insecurities, like a bad habit I just can’t shake.

Never giving you my heart; my greatest mistake.

Once

Once I believed in love.

It broke my spirit though.

Now I’m happily lonely,

Never allowing my feelings to show.

Ever so often a few tears may fall.

I wipe them away without thought.

Pain never looked good on anyone, right?

Another lesson love taught.

I may be alone forever,

As depressing as that now seems.

Though once I believed in a love

Beyond any of my wildest dreams.